♥ October ♥

Our morning began with a trip to the car dealership to get my car inspected.  My tag and registration expired yesterday, but I've kept putting off getting my car inspected.  Jackson and I enjoyed a leisurely stroll and breakfast at Bojangles while waiting on my car.  Jackson and I had what could have been a serious fall while getting back into my car.  I had him on my hip while I used my foot to close the latch on the umbrella stroller.  I ended up closing my foot into the latch, slicing my toe and causing Jackson and I to crash to the ground.  Thankfully the car door caught my fall and he landed on the passenger seat before I hit the pavement.  I don't know what the hell I would have done otherwise, but thankfully we were both fine.
 

While Jackson and I were out and about, Jesse mowed the lawn.  This took him several hours because it had been over a month since he last cut the grass and the it had grown nearly a foot.

Jackson is working on his second tooth now.  I finally got a good picture of his first tooth and you can already see the second one peaking through.

It was a gorgeous fall day with cool breezes.  After our lasagna dinner, Jesse, Jackson, and I took a walk around the neighborhood.  Jesse and I are really enjoying one anothers company again and not taking each other for granted. 

Jackson was too cute in his tiny fleece jacket. 

Seriously, have I mentioned how cute he is?

After our walk and Jeopardy, we gave Jackson a long overdue bath.  He's really too big for our infant bath.  He just splashes around and grabs everything nearby.  I don't know if there's anything to transition him into or if we are just supposed to take a bath with him in the regular bathtub when he officially grows out of it.

After his bath Jackson got into his new favorite pretzel position.

Jackson is asleep in the crib and Jesse and I are watching 127 Hours.    Despite a rocky start, I'd call it a successful Saturday!

Fantastic Friday

It's been a great day all around.  Jackson discovered himself in the exersaucer mirror and has a new source of entertainment.

I was really proud of my literacy class for completing their third novel this month.  Granted, each novel has only been 85-100 pages, but I'm certain this is more than any of my students read this summer.  Each literature circle group completed a cool castle project/story map today on The Whipping Boy.  I displayed the best student work from A Taste of Blackberries and The Whipping Boy on the hallway bulletin board. 

Because I had made plans to go out with my former fifth grade team tonight, Jesse and Jackson came for lunch, recess, and social studies.  I love being able to show off my favorite boys to my students and coworkers.

After dismissal I worked on next week's lesson plans until I left to meet my teammates for dinner.  We ate uptown on the outdoor patio at Brixx.  It was a perfect, chilly night with busy streets, lights, and laughter.  Our monthly meet-ups are always an adventure.  Last month we ended up unknowingly joining a gay pride festival.  The time before that we spent nearly an hour trying to find my car in the parking deck.  Tonight a random man wearing only a hospital gown harassed us.  I wanted to get a martini since I can drink all the liquor I want now that I am no longer breastfeeding.  I elected not to order one because I didn't think it would be worth the $8 cost.  The best part of the evening was realizing that we are all very competent, effective teachers who are struggling to adapt to our new schools.  It's so nice to have someone who can really relate.

Jesse said Jackson was so tired that he fell asleep while watching Jeopardy, then passed out in the pack-n-play while Jesse made him a bottle.  Jesse still ended up swaddling him so Jack would stay asleep.

Now I am home eating Moose Tracks on the couch.  I have a DVR full of Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, and Glee.  I love, love, love the weekend!!

Seven Stages of Grief

It's no secret the last two months have been HARD on our family.  I've never been good at transitions, but the challenges of going back to work, spending such little time with my son, struggling with new schedules and procedures, sitting in bumper to bumper traffic each day, worrying over finances, and feeling like an inadequate mother, teacher, and wife have all been too much to handle. 

One of the toughest things for me to deal with has been breastfeeding.  Breastfeeding has been an emotional roller coaster full of highs and lows since day one...but the ride is officially over.  Below is my emotional journey regarding the topic over the last two months:

1. Shock and Denial
It began with Jackson's 4 month check.  I thought for sure he would be well over 15 lbs.  I couldn't believe the scale when he weighed in at 14 lbs, 4 oz--a mere 1.5 lb gain from his 2 month check.  I questioned the numbers, but reassured myself everything would be fine.  I did not worry too much, even though I was unable to pump enough milk to freeze.  I still did not worry when I stopped being able to pump enough for Jackson to eat during the day.  I made excuses that it was stress at work, starting my cycle again, an inefficient pump, lack of privacy while pumping, or teething.  I still thought my supply would bounce back.

2. Pain and Guilt
The pain and guilt at realizing I'm not providing for my child occurred the Sunday Jackson got so sick and we took him to Urgent Care.  The tears began streaming down my face as soon as I saw the scale read 14 lbs, 9 oz.  I was flooded with guilt for not recognizing my own inadequacies and for denying my son a full belly.  

3. Anger
I have been furious and questioned many things around me.

• What is wrong with the body God designed for me? 
• Why is my body failing me? 
• Why can't I provide for my son's most basic needs? 
• Why can other moms breastfeed exclusively for two years, and I can't make it to the six month mark? 
• Why does everyone continue to ask me a never ending list of questions ("Have you tried Fenugreek?  Are you getting enough water?  How often are you pumping?") as if I can control my body?
• Why do people make apologetic comments and look at me with pity as if I have done something shameful?
• Why do I feel guilty for using formula?
• Why is formula so damn expensive?  (Cost was a huge motivation for me when dealing with cracked, bleeding nipples and thrush in the beginning.)

4. Depression
Many additional factors led to my depression.  I continued to cry every morning while driving to work.  The onset of anxiety attacks causing hyperventilation led me to make an appointment with a doctor.  It has been two weeks now since beginning Zoloft and I am able to notice a big difference.  (FYI, Jesse has been on anti-depressants for a full month.  Our household is MUCH more relaxed and we are all able to enjoy our time with another again.)

5. Upward Turn
I adjusted to the fact that my body was not providing for my son and formula was the only logical solution.  The phrase "breast is best" is so ingrained in my mind that it took me quite some time to realize that feeding my child formula was better than putting my child to bed hungry.  It also took some time for the medication to kick in.

6. Reconstruction
Jesse and I did a bit of research and determined that Sam's Club is the best value.  Jesse purchased a Sam's membership and the three of us went out after our Friday date night to purchase our first container of formula.  We mixed one scoop of formula with three ounces of breastmilk for Jackson's first time.

7. Acceptance and Hope

I am currently pumping both sides twice a day and getting a grand total of 2 ounces.  I no longer breastfeed Jackson and I will stop pumping very soon.  Jackson will receive two bottles of breastmilk each day until he turns six months old, at which point there will be no more breastmilk in the freezer.  I find great satisfaction in snuggling with my baby and giving him a warm, full bottle of formula before he goes to bed.  He no longer cries after feedings.  I pray he is gaining weight appropriately. 

This is not the way I would have planned things, but I am still blessed with the happiest baby in the world, which makes me the happiest mommy in the world!

Halloween Teaser

Last night Jesse, Jackson, and I went to a strange Egyptian/American restaurant.  We had falafel sandwiches as an appetizer.  We left Jackson in the stroller most of the time but took him out after we finished eating.  He kept trying to steal my drink and grab everything off the table.

This morning I randomly gave Jackson a sippy cup with water for the first time just to play with while I unloaded the dishwasher.  He amused himself and surprised himself when he accidentally drank some of the water.

Jesse and I amused oursevles by dressing Jackson up in his Halloween costumes.  I bought a duck costume from K-Mart for $2 when I was in college and Jesse's mom bought us the dinosaur costume when I was pregnant.  Even though Halloween is over a month away, we wanted to see if either costume fit.  Both were cute, but I prefer the duck.

Even though my school was open all day today, I chose to stay home and worked while Jackson napped.  It has been a very relaxing Saturday with my two favorite boys!

 

Classroom Organization

I've been desperately looking for a kind of storage unit for the math and literacy stations in my classroom.  Currently I toss various manipluatives, books, calculators, tiles, folders, etc ALL over my room.  I've been looking for something like this, but I couldn't find anything less than $50.  I found something at Ikea within my budget that should work well.  Jackson and Cowbell have assumed the responsibility as supervisor for nearly all household chores.  Tonight was no exception.

We were all happy with the final storage frame, complete with bins.

Feels Like Fall

My school was open this morning so I went to work in hopes of grading papers and making my copies for next week.  I decided to take Jackson with me because I didn't want Jesse to have to give him another bottle.  Jackson was wide awake at 6:30 a.m. and he fought sleep the entire morning.  Needless to say, I wasn't nearly as productive as I could have been due to a fussy, needy 5 month old.

Today was a perfect lazy fall day.  It was cool and rainy.  Jesse and I slept with the windows up last night.  I've been sneezing and coughing ALL day.  We wasted the day away lounging around the house in pajama pants, napping, and watching TV. 

Jackson has developed a knot on the left side of his neck in the last two weeks.  It has gotten smaller and you can move it around.  Most things I've read have said it's likely swollen lymph nodes and could be attributed to teething.  It still makes me nervous and I check it every day to make sure it isn't getting larger or hard.  You can only see it when Jackson turns his head to the side.

We're going to wait to ask the doctor at his 6 month check unless the knot changes in size or feel.

Maybe I'll be more productive tomorrow...

LONG Week

I feel like I haven't even seen Jackson this week!

Monday afternoon consisted of the lamest workshop EVER until 6:30 pm.  Everything about it was painful. 

Tuesday afternoon I had a doctor's appointment.

Jackson and Jesse had a fussy day on Wednesday.  I don't know what their issue was, but Jackson fought sleep like he never has before, which is quite wearing on Jesse.  I also had a crappy day as my SmartBoard died (for real died!) and the bulb blew (smoke cloud and firecracker sounds).  So much for technology. 

Thursday night was Curriculum Night at school, which meant another 13 hour workday.  I couldn't bare the thought of not spending any time with Jackson so Jesse agreed to bring Jack to school for lunch and recess.  My kids were so excited to meet them.  The students kept touching Jackson's feet and petting him, even though I said not to touch him.  My principal and assistant principal finally got to meet my family, too.  Jesse was able to see my crazy Vietnamese kids run up trees and spiral through the air and see the many other students.  I kept holding Jackson, even when recess was over and we were beginning science.  If I could just ensure that Jackson wouldn't cry during the day I could keep him at school the whole time.

We had all of six parents attend Curriculum Night.  I wish I could say I was productive after school, but I am mentally drained after the kids dismiss.  Of course I missed out on evening playtime with Jackson, but Jesse took photos for me.  

By the time I got home, Jackson was already upstairs awaiting to be nursed.  Jesse and I enjoyed breakfast for a late dinner before going to bed.

Jackson spent Friday morning with his PaPa while Jesse attended the funeral of a family friend.  I got stuck in traffic on the way home, but was able to tickle and kiss on Jackson plenty before going out for Japanese food.

Now it's the weekend and I cannot wait to make up for lost time with my sweet boy!