It is 6:30 a.m. and I am typing with one hand as my peaceful, sleeping son is cuddled against my chest. I have been awake with him since just before 5 a.m. where he once again had an explosive diaper. (This never once happened in cloth diapers!) Jesse changed his diaper while I tried to clean the sheets. After nursing Jackson in bed, Jack decided he wanted to play. Jesse went downstairs with him, but I couldn't sleep since the amount of time I have with Jackson is very limited now. Jesse has been sleeping the past hour while Jackson and I talked and played. Now both boys are resting and my mind is running faster than my one hand can keep up with.
My body aches. I am mentally and physically drained. I haven't had a schedule in four months. I haven't had to organize a classroom from scratch and familiarize myself with a new school in three years. I have never had to pump anywhere besides the comfort of my own home or hotel room. I have never left my son for more than 4-5 hours. Until now...
When I do something I am passionate about, I give it my all. When I am at work, I am a teacher. When I am at home, I am a mother. The two do not collide. I told Jesse last night that I'm afraid I forget I am a mother while at work, and then think little of my job once home. I'm going to be a half-ass mom and teacher!
I am so worried about overcommitting myself at work. I've already been asked to coach Girls on the Run. All eyes are on me with this Strategic Staffing position, and I feel the weight of an entire grade level on my shoulders. Forget my class of 20 students. I am expected to miraculously get the 46 kids (78%) NOT reading on grade level ready for middle school by May.
Jackson drank 14 oz of milk while I was at work. I only pumped 9 ounces. Thankfully Jesse has an entire freezer full of hundreds of ounces of milk. But this extra stash gives me little peace of mind as I lay awake worrying about providing for my child. My new goal is to breastfeed for 6 months, then introduce solids and cow's milk.
I love being at work and I love being home. I am not unhappy in either place and I enjoy what I do. So why can't I sleep? Why am I so drained? Why do I feel under so much pressure?
Oh Bonnie! You can't sleep, you feel drained and under pressure because it's change! You need an adjustment period. So, try to remind yourself that the pressures of right now, are not the pressures of six months from now. Transition phases are the hardest for all. Hang in there.
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