Domestic Violence

The Victims

• One in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
• Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults.
• Every year, 1 in 3 women who is a victim of homicide is murdered by her current or former partner.

The Families

• Every year, more than 3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes.
• Children who live in homes where there is domestic violence also suffer abuse or neglect at high rates (30% to 60%).
• A 2005 Michigan study found that children exposed to domestic violence at home are more likely to have health problems, including becoming sick more often, having frequent headaches or stomachaches, and being more tired and lethargic.

The Consequences

• According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families.
• Survivors of domestic violence face high rates of depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety, flashbacks, and other emotional distress.
• Domestic violence contributes to poor health for many survivors.  For example, chronic conditions like heart disease or gastrointestinal disorders can become more serious due to domestic violence. 
• Among women brought to emergency rooms due to domestic violence, most were socially isolated and had fewer social and financial resources than other women not injured because of domestic violence.
• Without help, girls who witness domestic violence are more vulnerable to abuse as teens and adults.
• Without help, boys who witness domestic violence are far more likely to become abusers of their partners and/or children as adults, thus continuing the cycle of violence in the next generation.
• Domestic violence costs more than $37 billion a year in law enforcement involvement, legal work, medical and mental health treatment, and lost productivity at companies.

The above statistics were copied from the Safe Horizon website. Today I had the opportunity to make a small contribution to help a local mother who is a current victim of domestic violence. I learned of her crisis situation a few weeks ago through an online forum. I contacted her privately to determine how I could assist her. We arranged to meet at a grocery store where I would keep her company and buy a few weeks worth of groceries for her and her four children. 

It was quite an eye-opening experience waiting at the store entrance watching every woman that passed by. Since I had never met her I had no clue what she looked like.  I analyzed each woman, trying to determine if it was the person I had messaged. What was I looking for? Poor posture? Sad expression? Eyes cast down? Young? Unkempt?  What race? Would her children be with her?  Would her husband find out? Would I be in danger?  Was her whole story a scam?

I waited an entire hour, but she never showed up. I grew irritated. Here I was trying to help and she had wasted my time. 

The next day, I learned that she was back in the hospital after her abuser had been bailed out of jail by a third party.  

After a series of contacts throughout the week, we arranged to meet again at the same grocery store today. Her story is not mine to tell, but I can say that any assumptions and stereotypes I had of victims of domestic violence were erased.  We talked and shopped for two hours. She is personable, smart, and attractive. I found myself laughing with her and relating to many of her experiences.  She was a college educated, well-traveled, highly paid, career-woman who chose to give up her job to stay home with her children. Over the years as a stay-at-home mom her relationships, income, and family dynamics changed significantly.  

. . .

Yesterday I had been anxious about meeting up with this stranger...again.  Jesse and I ordered Chinese take-out last night. My fortune read:

When I read this last night, I felt like it was validation that meeting this mother was the right thing to do. I could be a blessing to her by providing financial support and helping meet her family's most basic needs. Today I discovered that this experience was just as much for me as it was for her.  I suspect it had a greater impact on me. The brief experience changed my perceptions and reminded me that you never know what someone else is enduring. 

Indeed, small acts do go a long way.

Ministry Opportunities

This morning was another early start for cooking breakfast for the homeless.  I perfected the previous meal by offering fresh fruit, only blueberry mini muffins, and kept the sausage/egg/cheese casserole the same.  They apparently woke up hungry because there was not a crumb left (much to Jesse's disappointment).  The guests were so respectful and kind.  I didn't feel at all rushed since I was familiar with the kitchen layout and had prepared as much as I could in advance.

If you've been following my blog, you're aware that I miss feeling valued and being able to share my gifts outside the realm of motherhood.  I've also been seeking ways to contribute to the family financially by doing something meaningful.  I also am trying to challenge myself to build relationships with others while serving Christ.

Well....

My pastor knows these things as well.  I sent him an e-mail last week asking if he knew of any long-term service opportunities that fit my schedule since Room in the Inn only operates in the winter.  He happened to be the overnight coordinator of the homeless ministries last night and was the one to let me in at 4:30 this morning.  We discussed possible ministry opportunities as I sliced strawberries and assembled the casserole.  He asked me directly if I would consider taking leadership with the high school youth group (with compensation).  The current DCE has accepted another job and is resigning in July.  I've not committed to anything but this could most definitely be an answer to many prayers.

Love Your Neighbor

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

-Mark 12:30-31

This scripture is always my mantra for any volunteer work I do.  For example, if I'm going to cook breakfast for homeless by 5 AM, I'm going to go all out and serve exactly what I would want to eat.  People think I'm nicer than I really am, but the truth is, I only like to serve others on my terms.  I find it easy and comfortable to serve my "neighbors" on a temporary, short term basis.  Mission trips, soup kitchens, and homeless shelters are my favorite service projects because I can make an impact without having to follow up on anything.  When the event is over, we all depart and return to our normal lives.  Of course, certain experiences leave a lasting impression, but I continue to go about my business.

Clearly, this thinking is backwards.  It is this thought-process that allows me to distance myself from others and stay in my own shallow world.  I find it harder and harder to maintain lasting relationships, especially with people that cannot relate to my daily lifestyle.  Blogging has unintentionally enabled me to me have one-sided relationships.  People that read the blog (and there are a surprising number of you!) know intimate details about my life, while I know very little about their lives.

One of my goals is to develop more authentic relationships with people.  It's coming up on one year since the death of my sister-in-law, and I will forever regret not answering her many calls and texts to visit or just to check in on me.  I had the opportunity to have a closer relationship with her, and I missed out on it.  I pray that I can reach out to others and develop intimate relationships with my "neighbors". This does not come naturally for me and requires me to be very intentional.  Here are a few of my recent attempts:

1. My aunt is battling not one, but two different types of cancer.  I feel completely inadequate when talking to her because I know there's nothing I can say or do to change things.  I keep going back to the verse of loving your neighbor and thinking, "If I were fighting cancer, how would I want those around me to show support?"  I would want people to be prayerful and optimistic, without ignoring the reality or severity of my health. I found this necklace on Etsy and am having it custom made, and sending it along with a thoughtful card. It's a simple and seemingly insignificant gesture, and something I wouldn't normally do.

2. There are multiple people who are long overdue to receive a simple thank you or thinking of you card from me.  I have absolutely no excuse for not acknowledging their kindness or impact on my life.  Walgreens was running a special on custom cards, so I personalized a few cards for friends, an aunt, my MFM, and Jackson's preschool teachers.

3. Our former next-door neighbor just moved out and a new one moved in last week.  To be perfectly honest, I don't even know the name of our former neighbor or any other detail about his life besides his address-and we lived beside him for four years!  I gave our new neighbor a few days to settle in, then rang his doorbell and invited him over for dinner that night (much to Jesse's disliking).  He seems to be a remarkable man who has endured much more than anyone should in the past year (including surviving as an onlooker at the Boston Marathon finish line and losing his wife of over 40 years to cancer).  I felt completely blessed to be able to share stories with him over homemade pot pie and a misbehaving toddler.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I'm posting this so that I (and maybe you, too) will hold myself accountable.  Deepening relationships is something that takes effort.  I'm not hoping to have dozens of extremely close friends, but I do want to make myself more available and take the time to check on others around me beyond the basic small talk or reading Facebook updates.

Feeding the Masses

Tuesday morning came dark and early--3:30 a.m. to be exact.  I once again signed up to provide breakfast for close to 20 homeless guests and volunteers through Room in the Inn.  After the frustrating experience last month, I knew I was going to cook a meal at the church, where I could be sure to have everything readily available.  My menu included muffins, breakfast casserole, and fruit salad. 

I decided to make mini muffins because I could offer an assortment and people could sample each kind.  Monday afternoon I baked 84 mini muffins: 2 dozen lemon poppy seed, 2 dozen chocolate chip, and 3 dozen blueberry. 

I really wanted to do a fancy fruit salad with fresh berries and melons.  High prices and lack of fresh produce nixed that idea. Canned fruit salad had to suffice.

There are hundreds of different breakfast casserole recipes online, but I settled upon this quick and easy casserole.  I doubled the recipe and baked it in a giant 12 x 18 pan.  The only ingredients were 2 cans of crescent rolls, 2 pounds of sausage, 8 eggs, 4 cups of cheese, and 1 1/2 cups of milk.

I had a brief moment of panic at 4 a.m. when I couldn't figure out to work the commercial oven at the church.  Thankfully I was a short order cook once upon a time and it didn't take me too long to acquaint myself with the kitchen.  Everyone else was sleeping on the air mattresses in the gym, so I tried my best not to disturb anyone.



You have to twist the "oven" knob to turn it on.

Despite the painfully early start, it was an enjoyable morning.  People awoke to the aroma of eggs and sausage.  No foul words were spoken to me this time around and I was able to pleasantly converse with strangers.  You know it's a decent meal when people come back for seconds and ask to take extra with them. 
 

I was saddened to see a few infants and toddlers staying at the church this time.  I know the local shelter is overcrowded as is, but I can't fathom turning away a mother and infant.  Of course, this is why Room in the Inn was founded and I admire the dedication of the many coordinators that make the program work. I cannot even think about being unable to provide each of my children with proper nutrition, clean linens, a crib/bed, etc. 

While I can't change these individuals' circumstances, I am more than happy to at least provide a warm meal and smile. 

Bon appetite

A Lesson in Humility

I've stated before that I love volunteering.  I don't, however, love waking up early.  After hearing the request to have breakfast ready for over a dozen homeless guests by 5 AM on a cold, Tuesday morning, I begrudgingly said yes.  I knew I'd be back home before Jesse had to leave for work, so I had no excuse not to do it.  (Of course, if I really didn't want to I wouldn't have volunteered.)

Since our bank accounts aren't exactly growing these days, I planned to feed the masses with the uber cheap French toast and sausage.  I was informed by the director that the guests would prefer to sleep in.  Therefore, I should have a warm breakfast bagged up so they could eat it in the van.  Changing my plans to a to-go breakfast added a lot of expenses that I hadn't originally budgeted for.  (i.e. A gallon of juice is much cheaper than individual juices.  I couldn't just throw French toast in a bag, so I had to figure out how to package it.)

I adjusted my plans to create a bagged breakfast that included apple juice, a banana, Gogurt, and a sandwich (a maple sausage patty between two pieces of French toast).  Jackson helped me assemble the bags and place a juice and banana in each bag Monday afternoon.

I quadrupled this recipe and placed the mixture in the fridge so I would simply have to dip the bread in and throw it on the griddle.  (Again, not a morning person!)  My kitchen counter looked like this by 4:30 a.m.

When I arrived (on time), I was expecting to see guests waking up and beginning to get ready for the day. Instead, I walked into a clean gym with fully dressed people sitting at tables.  I handed everyone their bags and greeted people warmly.  While making small talk with a few people, a woman approached me.  We had the following conversation:
Woman: You ain't got no syrup?
Me: No ma'am (Of course, in my head I wanted to say "I would have brought bottles of syrup, cooked breakfast here, and dusted the toast with powdered sugar had I been better informed.")
Woman: Jesus Christ, who eats French toast without syrup?
Me: Well, there's maple syrup in the sausage.
Woman (rolls eyes): Thanks a lot, bitch.
Me: silence.  I feel about 6 inches tall.

Her comments had me irritated the whole ride home.  I couldn't believe she had been so ungrateful.

Once home, I told Jesse about the experience.  He initially had the same reaction, but then said, "I guess it's hard to be gracious when it's 9° outside."  I instantly felt 6 inches tall again, stumbling down from my high horse.  Was I expecting her to bow down in gratitude?  Afterall, I would have wanted syrup, too.  Yet I was the one who got in my car, drove home, and crawled under the thick comforter on my king size bed in hopes to get another hour of sleep before the kids woke up.  And she was the ungrateful one?

. . .

And whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.
-Matthew 23:12

Heavenly Father,
I do not know why I was blessed with a warm home full of food and family while others spend their days cold and hungry.  I confess that I take these blessings for granted, and am too often proud.  Forgive me, Father.  I pray that you will continue to bless me so that I may be a blessing to others.  Fill my heart with humility and gratitude.
Amen

Teaching Compassion

Before becoming a mother, I devoted a large amount of time and energy to helping the elderly, homeless, and inner-city youth.  I volunteered weekly, attended multiple mission trips, and taught 5th grade to high-risk children.  Over the past three years, my time was instead spent completing grad school requirements, at home with family, and working.  Now that I stay home, I feel like my world is drastically smaller.  I miss being involved in the community, but I find it difficult to do so while toting around 4 kids age 2 and under.  I've made a conscious effort to include Jackson in conversations and activities that help him to empathize with his neighbors. 

My sister had the thoughtful idea to create cards and positive messages for our dear aunt.  She was recently diagnosed with cancer and will begin chemotherapy next week.  Though Jackson was more excited about using glue, colorful paper, and stickers, the activity provided an opportunity to have a conversation about caring for those who are sick.  I found it especially endearing that Jackson wanted me to give our aunt his Clifford and candy to make her feel better.  If only it were that simple.

One of the organizations I used to participate in during winter months was Room In the Inn.  Local area churches take a dozen or more homeless men and women to their church (assuming they have a gymnasium, kitchen, and showers).  A home cooked dinner, hot shower, air mattress, blankets, warm breakfast, and a bagged lunch are provided for each guest. While I am no longer able to complete many of the tasks, I was able to make goodie bags for each person one week.  I explained what we were doing and took Jackson to the Dollar Tree to pick out items for our bags.  He helped me assemble them once we got home.  I know Jackson does not understand that some people don't live in a house and eat whenever they want.  Again, I appreciate being able to have a conversation and teach him to love and care for those who may be struggling.

I pray that each of the kids will have a servant's heart and be able to positively impact their neighbors.

Make me a servant
Humble and meek
Lord let me lift up those who are weak
And may the prayers of my heart always be
Make me a servant
Make me a servant
Make me a servant today.

A Day of Surprises

The past 24 hours have been full of very random, unexpected occurrences. 

Yesterday, I was quite agitated to discover that the only volunteer in the church nursery was a woman who was not physically capable of getting on the floor or picking up babies.  This meant I had to stay in the nursery with my four kids (who were the ONLY kids in the nursery) the entire service.  I missed the Christmas cantata so I could watch my own kids. 

The next random discovery was how easy and delicious these no-bake lactation cookies are.  I'd been looking for an alternative to the standard chocolate chip oatmeal lactation cookies, and was pleasantly surprised to find this recipe.  I won't tell you how many I ate today, but if they work, I should become part cow.

I was able to bake, clean, and get all four kids dressed, fed, and at the library for weekly storytime  by 10:30.  Once we arrived, I was certainly not expecting to see a notice on the door stating, "Storytime is cancelled for the month of December.  It will resume January 6."  Oh well.  We had fun putting on a puppet show, playing with the magnetic letters, and reading about firemen.

The next surprise was the sunny, 60° weather.  (I guess this wouldn't have been a surprise had I checked the weather report, but seriously, it's mid-December.)  We took advantage of the gorgeous weather by spending the afternoon outside at our favorite park.  Jackson sprinted across the fields.

I think today was the first time Jack discovered his shadow.  I was highly amused watching him lift his right hand, then his left, all the while staring at his shadow.  He kept saying, "Look, Mommy!  I make it move!"

Amelia ended up falling asleep on James, while Maddie napped in the Ergo.  All three were asleep by the time we walked to the lake.

 James awoke especially happy!  This kid has the most contagious laugh.

The most unusual surprise by far was being stopped at the park by a local news anchor.  Of all things, she asked if she could interview me about soap!  The interview was about the safety of antibacterial soaps and whether or not I would continue to use it despite concerns from the FDA.  I ended up informally talking to the woman for nearly 20 minutes about a variety of topics, mostly pertaining to the kids.  They must be desperate for stories since we made the 5:30 news.

Another surprise was seeing how ridiculously large a Whopper is from Burger King.  I had a "buy one, get one free" coupon that was going to expire within a week.  I'm not a huge Burger King fan and I've never ordered a Whopper.  It was literally the size of Jackson's head!

The best surprise of the day was being able to donate some of my frozen milk to a local mom in need.  Even though I'm having to supplement, I still have a respectable freezer stash.  In an international Facebook group of over 1,000 women who exclusively pump, I just so happened to read a post from a local mom who was having a temporary medical emergency.  She needed 30 oz of milk for her infant who has a feeding tube and doesn't tolerate full formula feeds.  I met her at a church halfway between our homes and was able to deliver my milk.  I feel honored and blessed to be able to share with her.

If the rest of the week follows suit, we're in for an eventful week.