Life as a SAHM: Is this it?

A local mom asked me the other day, "What do you do for a living?"  I wanted to say, "I'm a Nationally Board Certified Teacher with a master's degree, but I'm taking the year off."  Instead I replied, "Oh, I stay home with the kids."

My pin to prove it arrived in the mail this week.

. . .

I've been asked by three different people today about going back to work.
"Do you miss working?"
"Are you going to work next year?"
"What do you do now that you aren't working?"

I understand what they're asking.  Really and truly, I get it.  But I want to scream, "I AM WORKING!"  I want to explain that I'm busting my ass every single day trying to entertain and educate Jackson, provide new experiences for the babies, cook healthy meals from scratch every night, run errands with a giant stroller full of children, keep up with the infinite amounts of dirty laundry, dishes, and trash, and on and on and on.  I want to convince them that the work I do as a mother is far more challenging and demanding than my work as a classroom teacher.  But I don't know that they'd get it.

I never feel like it's enough.  I have it in my head that staying home just isn't good enough.  I think it stems back to my opinion of my mother as a stay at home mom.  I've always had the perception that stay at home moms are lazy and spoiled.  Yet, I don't view myself or other friends that stay home that way.

I miss teaching.  I miss the sense of camaraderie and friendship I formed with my teammates.  I miss the recognition and affirmations that I did my job well.  I miss having students ask about my day and exchanging stories about our weekends.  I miss making SmartBoard lessons that I know will engage students.  I feel like so many aspects of teaching are changing and I'm getting left behind.

The monotony and lack of appreciation that comes with being a stay at home mom is difficult.  It's hard to go from managing diverse behaviors of 25 students to struggling to get a two year old to clean up the yogurt he smeared all over the table.  It's hard to go from effective time management navigating lessons and hallway transitions, to always being late because you can't find a pacifier or someone spit up and requires a wardrobe change.

I always feel the need to conclude any blog posts with some kind of feel good reflection, but the truth is, I feel constantly torn about where I am and what I'm doing with my life.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with my children...so much so that I can't even fathom leaving them to the care of a nanny or daycare provider.  I'm not at all unhappy with my decision to stay home, yet I still mourn leaving the classroom and I wonder what my future looks like.  Am I living up to my full potential?  Am I just a mom?  Is this it?

The Best Saturday Ever

I'd been looking forward to Saturday for a few weeks now because we had several fun things planned.  The day managed to be even better than I expected.

During my 2 a.m. pumping session, I logged into the National Board website, hoping they might release scores early.  I was beyond elated to immediately be directed to this screen:  

With the excitement of passing National Boards, I couldn't sleep.  I started going back through old blog posts and pictures from this same time last year and made an exciting realization.  It's been exactly one year since I took a positive pregnancy test.  I had been having intense symptoms at only 3.5 weeks and got a super dark line right away.  I guess that should have been my first indication there might be more than one baby. 

Reminiscing and celebrating was an amazing start to the day.  I was already in a great mood before 6 a.m.  The morning only got better because we had the opportunity to take Jackson to the circus.  A member of our church donated tickets, so we only had to pay $5 for parking.  My sisters were at our house by 9:30 a.m. to watch the babies so we could have a Mommy/Daddy date with Jackson.  Jack was unusually quiet and sat on Jesse's lap the whole time.  Tigers jumping through hoops of fire, motorcyclists performing tricks, acrobats, fog machines, bright lights, and loud music can be a bit overwhelming for anyone, much less a two year old.  Jackson did a great job and said he had a lot of fun.  Some random Jack quotes: "I not scared of clowns." and "Where are the giraffes?'

After 90 minutes, I was skeptical Jackson could handle the second half of the circus.  We left during intermission to go eat lunch.  Not surprisingly, Jackson requested to go to CiCi's.  It was nice to be able to give so much individual attention to Jackson.  Once home, we were able to briefly visit with my sisters before they left.

Jesse asked if I wanted him to go get a bottle of champagne to celebrate National Board certification.  I said I'd rather nap!  Two peaceful hours later, I was well-rested and ready for our fun evening.

Jesse had purchased tickets for a comedy show that was hosted by one of our favorite radio talk shows. Jesse's parents graciously volunteered to feed and put all four kids to bed while we drove 45 minutes to eat dinner and attend the show.  We had time to kill after dinner so we walked around downtown.  It just so happened to be the same evening as the town's annual tree lighting ceremony.  What a fun surprise!

The comedians did not disappoint.  I laughed 'til I cried and rarely thought about the kids.  After a rough week with schedule changes and babies' fighting sleep, I desperately needed a few hours away.  It was the perfect end to the perfect day.