Ramblings on Classroom Teaching, or Lack Thereof

The start of school will always be bittersweet for me as long as I'm not in the classroom. Last August the triplets were only a month old so I never considered returning to school. This year I have a wide range of feelings about staying home, including relief, resentment, gratitude, and boredom. I know I could enjoy being a working mom, but I also know we would struggle financially whether I had a full time job or not. I think about how drastically the kids, especially the triplets, changed last year and I am genuinely thankful that I was able to witness it all. In the upcoming year, James, Amelia, and Maddie will go through major developments, learning to walk and talk. Jackson surprises me daily with his questions, vocabulary, and how much information he retains. While a huge part of me longs to set up my classroom with my fellow teacher friends this week, I definitely have more positive than negative feelings about staying home. 

With all that said, I was dying for an excuse to roam the hallways along freshly waxed floors, hear the stapler securing butcher paper on new bulletin boards, run my fingers along the spines of neatly shelved books, and feel the chatter and excitement about upcoming students. I had to run an errand that was just a few minutes from my former school, so I asked a good friend and former teammate if we could stop by for a visit. She has a slight obsession with all four kids, so I knew she'd be more than hospitable. She eagerly loved on the babies.

It only took James a few minutes to find loose cords and cables. The trio took turns climbing carts and going for a ride.

All four rummaged through boxes, cabinets, and crates. They mostly climbed and sorted things. (We did not leave a mess!)

My previous school has a high teacher turnover so there weren't too many familiar faces, but I did enjoy visiting with the office staff and a few teachers. The school playground is actually a community park, so we took advantage of the multiple playgrounds and picnic shelters. It's weird to think that Jackson could be playing on the pre-K playground as a student in a year.

James, Maddie, and Amelia ate a banana, chicken nuggets, peanut butter crackers, and some dirt. Oops.

Jackson was getting tired so he requested to sit in the wagon rather than walk back to the van. Amelia kept rubbing Jack's head with baby wipes and laughing. James stole Jack's cup and started grinning. Maddie looked confused and tried to scoot over.

I think I've romanticized the teaching career ever since I resigned. I dwell on the missed opportunities to inspire struggling students. It's similar to the feeling after a loved one dies. You forget their faults and are, instead, filled with nostalgia and longing, simply because they are no longer there. I have to remind myself that no job, including a stay-at-home mom, is free from stresses and challenges. I would much rather stress over the piles of laundry than the piles of papers to grade and file. I would rather break up a fight between James and Amelia than a fight between two fifth grade boys.  I would rather have to confront Jackson than administration. While I love and miss teaching, especially this time of year, who wouldn't want to spend their days with these four crazy kids?

It Is Finished

Okay, okay...I know I'm not Jesus. But I certainly bowed my head and exhaled this afternoon when I resigned from teaching. I may or may not have sobbed hysterically multiple times throughout the day.

I know resigning was the right thing to do.
I know we can't afford daycare expenses for four children.
I know I don't trust anyone else to come in my home and raise my children.
I know I am not only capable, but also enjoy providing fun, educational opportunities for my children.

But...

I know how much I love being a classroom teacher.
I know how hard I worked to earn my master's degree and National Boards.
I know how monotonous being a stay at home mother is.
I know that life will only get harder with three toddlers and a preschooler.

I will always have a preconceived notion that stay at home moms are lazy. They lack the education, drive, and work-ethic to get a real job. They watch soap operas all day and demand their drinks be refilled with a shake of their glass.

I am not and will not be that kind of mother.
I want so much more for myself and for my children.
I want to give all of myself to my children while they need me most.
I want to be the one to watch each new milestone with pride.

But...

That doesn't mean that today wasn't a difficult day.

Ten Seconds Later

Each of the following pairs of photos were taken seconds apart. Kids sure move fast!

Hors d'oeuvres are served. Come and get them.

What just happened???

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"Why, hello there!" says Amelia.

"Mom! There's a pretty girl in our box!"

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Posing for a picture at Muffins for Mom

"Jackson, wait just a second. Your friends kidnapped the babies."

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Banana-egg pancakes

James, the pancake thief

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Girl time

"I'm just going to take off your diaper and back away snickering"

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James has been working on pulling blocks out one at a time,

until now.

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Enjoying a bedtime bottle

????

Angry Mom, Angry Son

We took advantage of open gym at the rec center today. The trio are getting harder to contain on whatever blankets I bring. They were occupied with toys I keep in the van, in addition to blocks and hula hoops that were available.

Jackson had fun riding the tricycle. He even used his feet to pedal most of the time.

In an effort to keep James and Amelia off of the gym floor, I sat them up and stacked blocks with them.

Jackson joined us and began building a tall tower.

All was happy in our little world, until two other preschool aged children came over.  A sweet little girl asked if she could build with us. Jackson, aka Mr. Antisocial, frowned and rode away on his tricycle. Of course, I welcomed her to join us. The other children and I played together while Jack rode around the gym.  This sweet girl worked so hard to build a tower taller than she was.  The next thing I know, Jackson came running over with both hands out and knocked her tower over!

I was mortified that my son would be such a bully. The poor girl was on the verge of tears when her mother came over to console her. I made my best effort to redirect Jackson calmly and get him to help me rebuild her tower. He refused. I felt so bad for the girl and I found myself making excuses for Jackson to the girl's mother.  "Somebody is ready for a nap" even though he hasn't napped in months. I hurriedly stacked the blocks then ran off to reprimand Jackson. At this point, he angrily yelled, "I knock over this, too!" He proceeded to knock over multiple tricycles. It became a free show for the parents. I felt like the other moms were just watching to see how I would handle the situation.  And I'm sure they thought Jackson was a brat. I thought he was.

I wanted to scream and pick him up and dramatically storm out of the gym. I learned my lesson in September that those actions don't work. I have three other children who can't walk that also need my attention. I rushed to put the babies in the stroller/Ergo. Jackson would NOT pick up the tricycles or blocks. I picked them up for him only because I wanted to get out asap. Jackson was calm enough to apologize to the girl, walk out, hold the door for me, and hold the stroller in the parking lot. It was as if nothing had happened.

Once we got to the van, it took everything in me not to throw him in his carseat and start screaming. Again, I've learned that yelling has the opposite effect with Jackson (and most everyone). I feel obligated to admit that as soon as all four kids were buckled in and the door was closed I grunted and yelled in the parking lot. How dare my son hurt other peoples feelings. I know the trio are just babies, but it wasn't fair to them that we had to leave because their brother was being ugly. Jackson's actions could have been worse, but that behavior is certainly not tolerated.

I decided leaving the gym early was enough of a consequence. Jackson had such remorse and kept apologizing and crying. Once home, I laid the babies down for their nap and Jackson and I baked a cake for my brother-in-law. At one point he put the measuring cup down and said, "I say sorry to you and you say sorry to me." He apologized again for knocking the tower over and he wanted me to apologize for making him cry. Oh dear...

Today was the first time I saw an angry, aggressive side of Jackson. I hope I don't see it much more!

Four Kids 2 and Under

It's my last chance to say that. Unless, of course, we have another child within the next two years.  ;)

The past nine months have been quite a journey in raising three infants and a toddler. I think back upon what Jackson was like nine months ago and realize how far we've come. Adjusting to life with three newborns was a hell of a learning curve for all of us. In those early weeks it seemed as though Jack spent more time in time-out than not. The babies cried more often than not. Our bad days outnumbered our good days for the first few months. We all had to grow up in aspects that none of us were quite ready for.

Now that my first baby is about to turn three, I'm amazed at what an outstanding big brother and little boy he has become. I'm equally amazed at how much the triplets have grown. I can't adequately express what the past nine months have been like.  I suspect I'll be hard-pressed to find another time in my life that is more challenging and fulfilling as this.

A snapshot of Jackson's final day as a 2 year old

Exhausted

Jesse and I have been up nearly every hour (literally) the entire week.  It is emotionally and physically draining caring for sick children.  In addition to the stomach virus, we are now battling ear infections. I am well beyond the point of tired. 

Apparently, so are my kids.

No more blogging 'til we all get some decent sleep!

Mini-Golf: Take One

Over the weekend I learned about a park 15 minutes away that offers mini-golf for $2.  I love finding free/cheap finds and new things to do with Jackson. I was eager to go on Monday morning, but decided to wait 'til the afternoon so the babies would be well rested, the ground could dry, and it would be a bit warmer. 

Jackson was strangely quiet all morning and watched TV on the couch for hours.  I rarely allow that, but I honestly didn't notice because I was busy preparing dinner and breakfast for the homeless ministry. The only time he talked to me was when he wanted yet another snack. Once I turned the TV off and got everyone ready, we were all in good spirits.

Jackson looked like he was going to fall asleep in the van so I tried to keep him talking the whole ride. When we got there, I unbuckled Jackson first like always, then opened the hatchback to put James and Amelia in the double stroller.  Jackson was starting to get really whiny and was still in the middle of the van between his and Maddie's carseat. I put Maddie in the Ergo and told him more firmly, "Come on! It's time to go.  We get to have fun at the park."

I closed the hatchback and put the diaper bag in the stroller, all while yelling at Jackson to get out of the van.  Next thing I knew, I heard "Oh, no! I throw up! I throw up! It yucky!" Sure enough, Jackson was sitting in the middle of the van covered in his own vomit.  Mind you, I can't open his side of the van door anymore, so I literally had to climb between the seats, still wearing Maddie, and retrieve my vomit covered child. If you know me, you're aware that it's a miracle I didn't pass out right then and there.

Thankfully, I had an emergency change of clothes in the van so I stripped Jackson down in the parking lot and put his dirty clothes in a plastic bag.  All of the babies were still in the stroller and Jackson demanded to sit in the stroller. I had the single umbrella stroller as well so I let him sit in it.  Obviously, I no longer had any intentions of golfing.  I did, however, want the van to air out and get some fresh air.  Jackson cried, "I want to go for a walk."

He was as white as a ghost and could not have been more pitiful.  He was singing to himself "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" so I knew he would fall asleep quickly.  I cannot tell you how difficult it was to push a double and single stroller by myself on a trail covered with tiny pebbles.

While Jackson was passed out in the stroller,

I let the babies play in the shade.  (Truly, I really just didn't want to return to the van). James kept putting grass and dirt in his mouth. Amelia laughed until she fell over. Maddie just growled.

When we were heading back to the van, I gave up on simultaneously pushing/pulling both strollers.  I pushed Jackson several yards, then the babies, and so on.  This was the first time I have ever been out in public with all four kids when not one person stopped me.  There were plenty of people but not one person offered to help or even make any comments.

I took my time loading the trio in their carseats, hoping Jackson would wake up on his own.  I had no such luck. I had to pick a sick, sleeping, 30 pound child up and over Maddie's rear facing carseat, then buckle him in.  Unfortunately, the vomiting continued once we were home and spread to poor Madeline.  Maddie had a much harder time recovering.

Needless to say, our first attempt at mini golf was a complete F-A-I-L.

The Benefits of Taking the Kids Out

It's no secret I like to go out and stay busy. One of the most frequent comments I receive from triplet mom friends, strangers in public, and family is centered around how much we go out.  Sometimes the comments are really positive like, "Good for you.  I can't believe you're out with all of them." Some comments are rude, such as, "You need to keep those babies home.  They're going to get sick." Either way, we go on our merry little way, exploring the world around us.

Last week I was complaining about the quad stroller and what a pain in the ass it is to load and unload the kids into.  Jesse said, "You know you don't have to take them everywhere. What's the point? Do you remember anything from when you were two?"

His comment made me angry and caused me to second-guess my motives behind our outings. I vented with other moms and brainstormed reasons why it's so important to me that I take the kids out.  Here's what we came up with:

Benefits for Children

• stimulates their minds
• provides different sensory experiences
• creates interest in things outside the home
• develops curiosity
• strengthens their immune systems
• shapes their behavior in public places
• builds an understanding of their community
• builds their vocabulary and language development
• keeps them physically active
• reduces social anxiety (hopefully)
• creates opportunities for social interaction
• expends energy

Benefits for Mothers

• increases independence
• provides variation/prevents monotony
• creates valuable memories with children
• creates opportunities to take pictures that can be shared with children later
• increases confidence level
• provides opportunities for social interaction

So...while my children may not have any recollection of what they are doing right now, I think it's important to expose them to books, music, people, exercise, different languages, etc. as early as possible. Going to the park, museum, library, rec center, aquarium, and so on, fills our days with a sense of adventure and makes our time together so much more enjoyable than if we stayed home and watched TV. 

I'll conclude with pictures of us out and about at the museum today.

Life is so much easier with self-feeders and a double umbrella stroller!

Jack and Maddie taking turns driving the tractor.



Maddie, James, and Amelia admiring themselves,

before it turned into a wrestling match.

Exploring colors, shapes, and textures

Jackson discovering his new car seat has a cup holder.

“Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
― Walt Disney

Life as a SAHM: Is this it?

A local mom asked me the other day, "What do you do for a living?"  I wanted to say, "I'm a Nationally Board Certified Teacher with a master's degree, but I'm taking the year off."  Instead I replied, "Oh, I stay home with the kids."

My pin to prove it arrived in the mail this week.

. . .

I've been asked by three different people today about going back to work.
"Do you miss working?"
"Are you going to work next year?"
"What do you do now that you aren't working?"

I understand what they're asking.  Really and truly, I get it.  But I want to scream, "I AM WORKING!"  I want to explain that I'm busting my ass every single day trying to entertain and educate Jackson, provide new experiences for the babies, cook healthy meals from scratch every night, run errands with a giant stroller full of children, keep up with the infinite amounts of dirty laundry, dishes, and trash, and on and on and on.  I want to convince them that the work I do as a mother is far more challenging and demanding than my work as a classroom teacher.  But I don't know that they'd get it.

I never feel like it's enough.  I have it in my head that staying home just isn't good enough.  I think it stems back to my opinion of my mother as a stay at home mom.  I've always had the perception that stay at home moms are lazy and spoiled.  Yet, I don't view myself or other friends that stay home that way.

I miss teaching.  I miss the sense of camaraderie and friendship I formed with my teammates.  I miss the recognition and affirmations that I did my job well.  I miss having students ask about my day and exchanging stories about our weekends.  I miss making SmartBoard lessons that I know will engage students.  I feel like so many aspects of teaching are changing and I'm getting left behind.

The monotony and lack of appreciation that comes with being a stay at home mom is difficult.  It's hard to go from managing diverse behaviors of 25 students to struggling to get a two year old to clean up the yogurt he smeared all over the table.  It's hard to go from effective time management navigating lessons and hallway transitions, to always being late because you can't find a pacifier or someone spit up and requires a wardrobe change.

I always feel the need to conclude any blog posts with some kind of feel good reflection, but the truth is, I feel constantly torn about where I am and what I'm doing with my life.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with my children...so much so that I can't even fathom leaving them to the care of a nanny or daycare provider.  I'm not at all unhappy with my decision to stay home, yet I still mourn leaving the classroom and I wonder what my future looks like.  Am I living up to my full potential?  Am I just a mom?  Is this it?

Crunching Numbers

I'm pretty dead set on staying home one more year.  I've been spending a lot of time this week exploring ways to make that work.  Jesse and I have one joint bank account in addition to our own individual bank accounts.  The mortgage comes out of my account each month through automatic billpay.  Jesse covers all other expenses.  In order for me to stay home, I need to somehow be able to pay the mortgage for another year.  This means I need to save/earn roughly $13,000.  Is this possible?  I'm leaning towards yes.

-I assume we can expect a sizable tax return in a few months, in addition to another tax return in 2015. 
-As far as jobs go, I think my best bet would be tutoring.  I sent out an e-mail to all 5th grade teachers that teach at schools within a 15 minute radius to pass my contact information and credentials along to parents. 
-A local mom suggested I apply to Sylvan or another tutoring program.  She was a stay at home mom/former teacher and worked from 5-7 two days a week on 9-1 on Saturdays.  That is definitely doable.
-I've been checking local listings through mother's groups and applied for a position for sitter/cleaner from 5-6:30 two days a week.  I haven't heard back and suspect that I won't, but I'll keep looking.
-Another mom suggested I take in another child during the day to watch, but I think that would be an awfully tough sell.  I would never have sent Jackson to stay with a mother I didn't know who already had four young children of her own.

I have to believe that something will work out and I'll be able to care for my children while contributing financially.  If anyone local has any leads, I'm all ears!

To Work or Not To Work

I still have no clue what I'm going to do next year.  NO CLUE!  We basically have four options.  I can:
1. continue as a stay at home mom all day while Jesse works
2. stay home during the day and find part time work at night or on weekends
2. return to teaching and put the children in daycare
4. return to teaching and find a nanny

Here are the pros and cons for each scenario:


1. continue as a stay at home mom all day while Jesse works

Pros

Cons

-I won’t miss any milestones with my kids.  I get to love and kiss on them, teach them, take them anywhere, etc.  Even though this is only advantage, it is so important to me and could outweigh all the disadvantages.

--I will spend another year without health insurance, which makes me nervous. --We will seriously struggle financially (I contributed over $10,000 this year from paid maternity leave and performance bonuses based on last year’s test results.  That money is no longer available.) --We would be unable to afford preschool for Jackson, which means he would miss out on structured learning/peer socialization.

2. stay home during the day and find part time work at night or on weekends

Pros

Cons

-I won’t miss any milestones with my kids.  I get to love and kiss on them, teach them, take them anywhere, etc.  -With part time work, I could still watch my children grow but I would also have an opportunity to interact with adults and have a break from kids.  --Ideally, I would find fulfillment using my experience or expertise.

--Jesse and I would basically be single, working parents.  We chose this route Jackson’s first year and it was challenging to never spend time together as a family.  It was also stressful on our marriage. --I will spend another year without health insurance, which makes me nervous. --Part time jobs aren’t always the easiest to find.  Ideally I would tutor kids on the side or sell cakes, but I don’t know if that could provide enough income.  I would really hate to work retail or fast food.  That’s not why I went to school for six years. --We would likely be unable to afford preschool for Jackson, which means he would miss out on structured learning/peer socialization.

3. return to teaching and put the children in daycare

Pros

Cons

--I could return to a career that I love and feel successful doing. --I would have health insurance. --Both Jesse and I would contribute equally. --Jackson thrives in school settings.  He would benefit greatly from the predictable routines, education, and peer socialization. --The babies would have attention from other peers and adults.  I suspect their language and development would explode in a daycare setting.  (They would begin daycare at 13 months old.)

--Most, if not all, of my paycheck would go to daycare. --We wouldn’t be able to cloth diaper.  Buying disposable diapers adds a large expense that we do not currently have. --I would only spend a few hours a day with my own children.  Those hours would likely be with tired, cranky children.  --It worked out really well last year for me to drop Jackson off and Jesse to pick him up. We don’t have that option anymore since whoever does drop off and pick up will have to drive the van.  The hassle of getting four kids fed, dressed, and out the door on time would definitely be an additional stress each morning.

4. return to teaching and find a nanny

Pros

Cons

--I could return to a career that I love and feel successful doing. --I would have health insurance. --Both Jesse and I would contribute equally. --There would be the convenience of leaving the house and coming home to my kids without having to lug everyone in and out of carseats. --Jesse and I would make the rules and the schedule.  We decide on cloth diapers, when to eat, how many naps to take, etc. --It should be cheaper than daycare.

--Most of my paycheck would go to a nanny. --It makes me nervous to rely on one person.  If she’s late, Jesse or I are late.  If she’s sick, Jesse or I stay home. (That wouldn’t be the case at a daycare.) --I would only spend a few hours a day with my own children.  Those hours would likely be with tired, cranky children.  --It would be a difficult search with lots of interviews.  Nobody is going to be me, so I would probably hate everyone at first. --There’s a good chance I would resent someone for knowing my own children better than I do. --Jackson wouldn’t have the socialization and education that I would like for him to have.  There’s no way we could afford a nanny AND preschool. --There are lots of complicating logistics if I expect the nanny to take all four kids out of the house (which I definitely do).  For exp: We would need to provide a van and/or four carseats.  If we traded cars while she was at work, we would have to added onto each other’s insurance.  Would we take out taxes or pay for any kind of healthcare?

Prayers and opinions are welcomed!

This Too Shall Pass

This morning was the first day where I genuinely thought, "I don't know if I can do this by myself."  I even contemplated calling someone, but I just kept telling myself that it would pass. 

After having family over for dinner last night and having a late night with Jackson, I woke up to two baskets of laundry to fold and put away, pocket diapers to stuff, clean dishes to unload, and dirty dishes in the sink.  I don't mind clutter, but I get very anxious when things start to pile up downstairs.

Jackson got some kind of stomach bug yesterday and it continued through the morning.  He barely slept, which meant I barely slept.  I knew school was out of the question once he started sobbing and moaning, "I don't feeeeeel good.  My tummy hurts."  He then proceeded to get sick.  A few hours later he came downstairs fully dressed and said, "I ready for school."  When I explained that he wouldn't be able to go to school, he cried and yelled at me. 

In addition to overwhelming amounts of housework and a sick Jackson, James was fighting sleep something terrible.  I have zero tolerance, compassion, empathy, or patience when babies fight sleep.  I don't get it.  It frustrates me to no end that they won't just give in already.  It gives me a headache to hear screaming and crying.  (Katie, I was ironically trying to read "She's Gonna Blow!")

All of this was before 10 a.m.

Despite a hellish morning, we were able to have a calm afternoon.  James eventually took a two hour nap.  Jackson's nasty diapers tapered off.  Clean dishes and laundry were put away.  We even managed to be silly, dance, and giggle.  The babies are so much fun babbling and grabbing one another, and Jackson is such a proud big brother.

Why It's Not Easier

I don't know how many people told me, "Just get through the newborn phase; then it gets easier."  I loved the newborn phase.  I exceeded my own expectations and life was more than manageable.  We had great routines, lots of help, and an overall peace of mind.

Four months old?  Not so much.  It feels like everything has gotten so much harder over the past few months.  Here's why:
These things are very specific to our family and not general to having three 4.5 month olds. 

Schedules-All three babies were so synchronized.  You could have set a clock to their schedule.  Now the alert time has significantly increased, but their schedules don't always correlate.  James needs a longer morning nap, whereas Amelia takes a longer afternoon nap.  Maddie cat naps all day with alert times in between more frequent feedings.  The last two weeks have been a real struggle finding a schedule that works for all three and keeps me sane.

Feeding-I miss the days where 6-9 oz of breastmilk was enough for an entire feeding for all three.  I had an oversupply, but now that the babies are eating 32 oz each, I am having a harder time meeting their needs.  It's also more difficult to find time to pump.

Sleeping-Even though I woke up more frequently at night to feed, I slept significantly more during the first few weeks.  Our whole family took naps every single day together.  Now, it's a rare treat when all three babies take a long nap at the same time.  And Jackson almost never naps anymore.  I'm lucky if he has "quiet time" upstairs for an hour. 

Cooking-We had hot, home cooked meals delivered at least three days a week for the first six weeks. There were always enough for leftovers, so I literally cooked dinner twice in six weeks.  Adding menu planning and cooking dinner is just one more thing I have to find time to do.

School-I love being able to take Jackson to preschool, but it's not the grand solution I thought it would be.  Getting everyone dressed, fed, and out the door on time continues to be stressful.  I feel like I'm sprinting against the clock.  I then try to cram all errands (aka waiting in line at doctor's offices or DSS) into a short window of time.  Most Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't even eat lunch until after 1:30.

Diapers-I hesitate to include this because I love cloth diapering.  However, it's undeniable that my laundry loads have increased significantly after using all the disposable diapers we received.

Cleaning-The babies slept so much in the early weeks that I always had time to sweep, mop, and do dishes and laundry each day.  That's no longer the case. 

Healthcare-When the babies were newborns, we took them to the pediatrician for well checks and weight checks and had prescriptions called in.  No big deal.  Now that the whole Medicaid issues have snowballed, we don't even have a pediatrician.  Maddie has been out of Prevacid for two weeks now and we just found out today (from the pharmacist, not the pediatrician) that they won't refill it "because we haven't been in since August".  Everything to do with medical treatment has been a huge stress these past few months.

I still wouldn't say raising triplets and a toddler is hard or unmanageable, but there seems to be a lot more challenges than there used to be.  In isolation, nothing is particularly difficult.  It's the combination of making sure dinner is ready, bottles are always full of freshly pumped milk, Jackson is dropped off and picked up on time, the house is clean, the babies are entertained, etc that make it exhausting.

Keepin' It Real

This post is dedicated to those who think I live in a world of rainbows and sunshine.

This is a very typical scene that happens multiple times a day at our house: 

Thankfully, it only takes a few minutes to get everything under control again.  But those few minutes sometimes feel like eternity.

Just keepin' it real, friends!