The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

Eight years ago today, Jesse and I were living in an apartment in Boone, enjoying our third week of marriage and preparing for student teaching during our senior year of college. Our Monday evening dinner was interrupted by multiple phone calls from my oldest sister. The tone in her voice revealed a sense of urgency. We were told that my mother was in the hospital and we needed to come immediately. We left with a sink full of dirty dishes, food on the table, and not a single bag in our hands. The two hour drive was hauntingly silent. When I finally walked through the hospital entrance, I saw my four siblings waiting for me. Their solidarity on the stairwell told me before their words did. Mom was dead.

I always hear people say, "Not a day goes by that I don't think about [a deceased loved one]." I feel guilty admitting that there are many days where I don't think of either of my parents. I've spent over half of my life without a dad and a quarter of my life without a mom. They simply aren't a part of my daily life. I wrestle more with the absence of grief than I do with actual sorrow.

In the decade preceding my mother's death, her mental and physical health declined rapidly. At age 48, she was an unemployed widow who lacked the confidence and skills to provide for her children. Her depression, financial troubles, and declining health caused great stress during my teenage years. I spent a considerable amount of my young adulthood blaming my mother for many things. I questioned all of her shortcomings. Why was she so weak and dependent on Dad? How could she have given up on herself and her kids? Why didn't she take care of herself enough so she could properly take care of me? 

There were many aspects of motherhood in which my mother excelled. She made every holiday worth celebrating. She alleviated all of life's challenges with homemade chocolate chip cookies. She preserved decades worth of family moments in photo albums. In each of these ways, I strive to be like my mother. 

The unfortunate reality is that I am also like my mother in ways that I despise. The things that most enraged me about my mother are my own struggles as well.

• I am a stay at home mother with zero income. I 100% rely on my husband to pay the bills. I have no back up plan or savings without his income.
• I have the same history of anxiety and depression. While I don't currently have a need for medication, there have certainly been periods of my life where I needed anti-depressants to keep me functioning and content.
• I am already pre-diabetic and obese, yet I follow the exact same habits of sneak eating and self-medicating with sweet treats. 
• The longer I stay home, the lazier I become. My mother was constantly watching soap operas or talking in internet chatrooms (hello, 1999). I find myself glued to my phone just as often.

Sadly, I know these facts yet I'm doing nothing to change them. The last thing I want is for Maddie or Amelia to write these same words in thirty years. I know I need to be strong, healthy, independent, loving, and fully-present with my children. It shouldn't be difficult to do, yet I feel myself treading water just maintaining life as it is. 

While I may not consciously think of my mother every single day, I am so much of who I am because of her. For better or worse. 

Reedy Creek Nature Center

Today was Election Day, which meant the schools were closed for students. Jesse had a workday, so we were able to join him at school for lunch. The kids always enjoy their time in the classroom.

We couldn't stay long since Jesse had meetings all day. It was another rainy day and we had already spent the morning wrecking the house. I took the kids to a park that had a free nature center. When we walked in, the lady at the front desk asked if were there for the "open classroom". I had no clue what she was referencing. After a few questions, we were guided to a room with tables full of different activities. The "lesson" was about leaves. One table had leaf stamps and ink pads, another had materials for leaf rubbings, another had large books about leaves, etc. It was age appropriate, educational, and free. Triple win!

The kids did amazing at first. Unfortunately, James was too curious with the microscope. Amelia nearly climbed in the tank to touch the turtle. Maddie fell out of a chair. The "open classroom" was a bit too open for us. We made a quick exit.

Things calmed down with a change of scenery. We watched turtles and snakes in different aquariums.

We took advantage of the break in the rain by walking on the nature trail.

The kids were even able to play on the awesome playground. Though the wood was wet, the slide and houses were dry. The kids had a blast, especially Jackson and Amelia.

There are so many fun places to explore.

Maddie continued the leaf theme by hoarding as many leaves as possible. Contrary to our leaf walk around the neighborhood, this park has so many trees with different leaves. I found one leaf that was literally bigger than Jackson's head.

Jackson didn't want to look at me for a picture. Maddie jumped right in front of him and yelled, "cheeeese" until I took her photo. Silly girl!

We played until it began to rain again.

It was a fun change of pace to our usual day. We definitely made the most of a rainy day with no school. 

Pumpkin Muffins

It's no secret that I love to bake, almost as much as I love to eat. It's important to me that I share my love of baking with my kids. Having three two year olds means I have to be intentional and set guidelines for how they are allowed to help in the kitchen. We've baked enough times that the trio know they must remain seated on the stool and wait their turn. They each get a whisk and measuring cup. I just go down the line and alternate adding ingredients and mixing.

Baking is such a sensory experience for me. I like to immerse myself in the smells, tastes, textures, sounds of the whisk, colors, etc. Most of all, I love that you can take ingredients that you would never eat alone, and combine them to create something that can nourish and comfort people. I let each kid smell the pumpkin pie spice and taste the pumpkin puree. (As you can see in the photo above, James was skeptical!) I slowly cracked the eggs so the trio could see the yolk inside.

Today I revised my pumpkin cupcake recipe to make a healthier muffin. Here's the recipe we used. Since I'm catering to toddlers, I always use my mini-muffin tin. You can use any size, just adjust the baking time.

1. Preheat oven to 350°.

2. Mix dry ingredients and set aside.

    1 cup all-purpose flour

    1 tsp baking soda

    1 tsp baking powder

    1/4 tsp salt

    1 T pumpkin pie spice (or cinnamon/nutmeg if you don't have pumpkin pie spice)

3. Combine wet ingredients in a bowl.

    1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

    2 T honey

    2 eggs

    1 tsp vanilla extract

    1 cup pumpkin puree

4. Add dry ingredients to mixture.

5. Fill batter 3/4 way in cupcake liners or greased tin.

6. Bake for 18 minutes for regular size cupcakes or 9 minutes in mini muffin tin.

They were a hit!

Halloween 2015

Halloween weekend was filled with so much excitement that we're still trying to recover from it! 

Jackson decided he wanted to be Ultron, the super-villain from the Avengers. We quickly transformed his Tin Man costume with a little bit of red tape, "lasers" on his arms, and a mask he already owned. 

We missed out on some trick-or-treating with Jesse's side of the family, due to the fall festival at my aunt and uncle's house the previous night. We dressed the kids and spent the afternoon at Jesse's parents. It's practically impossible to capture a photo with everyone looking at the same time.

We took the kids' costumes off so we wouldn't have to worry about messes while they ate lunch and fed the neighboring goats. Amelia was especially eager to feed the goats stale crackers directly in their mouths.

Maddie make me laugh by sneaking the food for herself instead of feeding the goats.

We made sure to return home with enough time for the trio to nap. We encourage Jackson to rest as well. Despite two hours in beds, the only person to actually nap was Jesse! Oh well. I cooked dinner so we could have some substance before another sugar rush.

After an early dinner, we dressed the kids one last time. We headed back to Gastonia for the annual cousin candy exchange. First, we stopped at a very high-traffic neighborhood for trick-or-treating. The trio's first official trick-or-treating was at the home of a very dear family. Jackson rang the doorbell and waited on the porch. 

Jesse and I had made the trio practice saying, "trick or treat". Amelia was the only one who really mastered it, but they all said "thank you".

We parked in their driveway and walked up and down two streets. After over a dozen houses, the kids had nearly full buckets of candy. All of the residents were so kind and excited to see the kids. People tend to prefer seeing the little kids as opposed to groups of teenagers trick-or-treating.

All four kids were genuinely excited as they approached each doorstep. This is such a fun age for trick-or-treating!

The final stop for Halloween was my sister's house, where all of the cousins traded candy. It was the second consecutive late night and we paid the price. Maddie became hysterical over my niece's black crayon costume. James' exhaustion sunk in and he became inconsolable. Jackson and Amelia, on the other hand, joyfully ate one piece of candy after another.

We took a quick cousins photo then changed the trio into pajamas. 

It was a quiet car ride home but a very long, tiring night. Daylight Saving Time translated into an extra hour of rotating kids through our bed and rocking a miserable, feverish James. It's been a long day with cranky kids. At least we can stress-eat our way through the impressive collection of candy.

Halloween 2015, that's a wrap!

Robinson Fall Festival

Friday evening we convened at my aunt and uncle's house (just two doors down from my childhood home) to celebrate everything we love about fall. They live on a very large plot of land and host our annual family gathering every October. We eat, go on a hayride, run around the vast fields, and make s'mores around a bonfire. And we're surrounded by my favorite people the entire time. It's impossible not to have a good time!

The only downside is the drive. It took a solid hour in rush hour traffic to get to my aunt's house. Despite being late, we still weren't the last ones there. We feasted on pizza and chicken strips upon arrival.

Cousins ate and played together in random locations.

I hardly held my own children the entire evening. They were happy to be loved on by their aunts, uncles, and older cousins.

My sisters and I took the obligatory selfie. When will technology advance to allow flashes during selfies?

In addition to the standard Fall Festival activities, we celebrated my niece's 5th birthday. This was semi-depressing, because it means my nephew will turn 5 in March, then Jackson will turn 5 in April. This growing up is completely unacceptable!

Every last Nutter Butter was eaten, along with cookies and cupcakes for M's birthday.

I have no idea why Jackson wore his Thor costume, but I love how much he enjoys dress-up clothes! He spent most of the evening playing with his cousin.

As the sun set, we broke out the glow-sticks and prepared for the hayride.

Unlike last year, James loved the hayride. He sat in my oldest sister's lap and happily took in all his surroundings. The girls were less amused. Thankfully they had blankies, pacifiers, and older cousins to comfort them.

It looked a bit like a rave between all the glow-sticks and camera flashes.

Jackson sat in the very front of the trailer, behind the tractor. He wouldn't let me snuggle him, nor would he accept a blanket. I miss my affectionate boy! I guess it's a good thing I was able to cuddle with Jesse.

S'mores were next on the agenda. Yum!

Jackson went with my siblings on one more hayride while Jesse and I cleaned the trio and changed them into pajamas. We were all captivated by the strangely green flames.

It was a fun excuse to stay up late. The kids slept in the car and easily transitioned to their beds once home. It was another fun fall fest!

Fall Crafts for Toddlers

I was hoping our SLP would take more initiative after meeting with the case worker. I decided not to plan anything the week after our monthly review. Surprise, surprise...we sat on the floor for an hour and a half and he gave me worksheets to fill out for homework. Not wanting a repeat of that session, I brainstormed activities on the way home from Jackson's school on Friday morning. My last minute "lesson plan" included a nature walk to collect leaves, sort leaves and make leaf prints, then cut open the pumpkins we painted to collect seeds. I expected these activities to naturally lend themselves to conversations about colors, sizes, and counting. I hoped they would use the words "leaves, big, small, yellow, orange, red, seeds, pumpkin". 

I'm still unsure of what the SLP's role is exactly, but the kids sure do love him. He's normally at our house before we are. I unbuckle the kids and they run to the driveway, yelling his name and tackling him with hugs. As long as I have a solid plan for our morning, he's able to keep the energy high, reinforce new words, and help facilitate activities. 

I didn't take any pictures of our leaf walk, but the kids did a good job. I've been walking with the trio every morning up and down our road (which is a quiet cul-de-sac) to get them to practice walking in a line and watching for cars. Maddie hoarded leaves, rocks, twigs, etc. Amelia was the model student exclaiming, "big leaf! baby leaf!" James was more concerned about cars parked on the road and whether or not the cat was following us.

Once we were home, I let the kids pick out cardstock and a paint color. I modeled how to paint the leaf and flip it over, pressing it onto the paper. 

The toddlers were excited and did a good job listening. Of course, their leaf prints were less refined and they ended up using the leaves as paintbrushes. 

Our final activity was to gut the pumpkins and pick out the seeds. I thought this would be a fun sensory activity. The pumpkins were so hard to cut! I ended up having to bang it on the counter with the knife stuck inside, splitting it open like a coconut. This scared Amelia and the SLP had to temporarily remove her to calm her down. Like most tasks, James took his job seriously, scooping out the seeds and placing them in a bowl.

Maddie loved every moment of the pumpkin cutting and seed counting.

Amelia eventually enjoyed participating, pulling out the pulp.

We cleaned, soaked, and roasted the pumpkin seeds in a little bit of olive oil and sea salt. 

The SLP gave me more "homework" though he told me I was advanced. He even said the two of us were doing everything we were capable of doing to promote language development right now, and the trio were increasing vocabulary and conversation every week. We have our six month evaluation at the end of the month, so I'm curious if the trio will continue with speech services.

Until then, I'll be sure to make meaningful plans that will best utilize our weekly sessions with the SLP.

Spooky Nutter Butters

Almond bark is synonymous with holiday season. Last Christmas I spent hours dipping treats in the melted goodness. One of the things I saved for my memory bank was Nutter Butter ghosts. They are so simple; I let Jackson do most of it. To make Nutter Butter ghosts and mummies, you only need a package of vanilla almond bark, package of Nutter Butter cookies, something for eyes and a cookie sheet lined with wax paper. In place of almond bark, you could also use candy melts or white chocolate chips. For the eyes, you could use candy eyes, black pearl sprinkles, mini chocolate chips, or pipe a dot of melted chocolate.

I learned last year to only melt a few squares of almond bark at a time. Once it begins to cool, it doesn't reheat well. I melted three squares at a time in a deep bowl for 60-75 seconds. Then Jackson dipped each Nutter Butter in the bowl, shook it, and laid it on wax paper. I already had black pearl sprinkles in my baking cabinet, which I used for the eyes. I tried to let Jackson do this part but the eyes were more like belly buttons.

We made half of the cookies as ghosts, which were only partially dipped in the almond bark. The other half were mummies. To make the mummies, dip the entire cookie in white chocolate, flip it over, then use a fork to transfer the dipped cookie from the bowl to a cookie sheet lined with wax paper.

Once all the fully dipped cookies have started to cool, I melted a few squares and poured the liquid into a ziploc bag. I made the tiniest cut off one corner and let Jackson drizzle it back and forth to "wrap" the mummy.

The cookies easily peeled off the wax paper after ten minutes. The end result was very cute, easy, kid-friendly Halloween cookies.