|My pin to prove it arrived in the mail this week.|
. . .
I've been asked by three different people today about going back to work.
"Do you miss working?"
"Are you going to work next year?"
"What do you do now that you aren't working?"
I understand what they're asking. Really and truly, I get it. But I want to scream, "I AM WORKING!" I want to explain that I'm busting my ass every single day trying to entertain and educate Jackson, provide new experiences for the babies, cook healthy meals from scratch every night, run errands with a giant stroller full of children, keep up with the infinite amounts of dirty laundry, dishes, and trash, and on and on and on. I want to convince them that the work I do as a mother is far more challenging and demanding than my work as a classroom teacher. But I don't know that they'd get it.
I never feel like it's enough. I have it in my head that staying home just isn't good enough. I think it stems back to my opinion of my mother as a stay at home mom. I've always had the perception that stay at home moms are lazy and spoiled. Yet, I don't view myself or other friends that stay home that way.
I miss teaching. I miss the sense of camaraderie and friendship I formed with my teammates. I miss the recognition and affirmations that I did my job well. I miss having students ask about my day and exchanging stories about our weekends. I miss making SmartBoard lessons that I know will engage students. I feel like so many aspects of teaching are changing and I'm getting left behind.
The monotony and lack of appreciation that comes with being a stay at home mom is difficult. It's hard to go from managing diverse behaviors of 25 students to struggling to get a two year old to clean up the yogurt he smeared all over the table. It's hard to go from effective time management navigating lessons and hallway transitions, to always being late because you can't find a pacifier or someone spit up and requires a wardrobe change.
I always feel the need to conclude any blog posts with some kind of feel good reflection, but the truth is, I feel constantly torn about where I am and what I'm doing with my life. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE spending time with my children...so much so that I can't even fathom leaving them to the care of a nanny or daycare provider. I'm not at all unhappy with my decision to stay home, yet I still mourn leaving the classroom and I wonder what my future looks like. Am I living up to my full potential? Am I just a mom? Is this it?