Wednesday, January 14, 2015

More to Love

Tomorrow James, Amelia, and Madeline will be 18 months old. I'm not sure why this feels so significant to me, but it seems like 18 months is a big milestone. That's official big boy and big girl toddler status.

When the trio turned one, all of my energy was consumed on creating DIY tutus, cakes, photo displays, banners and on and on and on. I didn't stop to really, truly reflect on how I had changed as a mother or how our family had changed.

When I think back to what I was doing exactly 18 months ago, it feels like it might as well be a decade ago. I distinctly remember sitting on the couch, typing this post. I was crying big, ugly, loud tears. Tears for the unknown and for the drastic changes our family was about to face. I think Jesse had the same fears.

In some aspects, I haven't changed at all in the past year and a half. I have the same basic beliefs, sense of humor, love of baking and blogging, work history, house, and so on.

More often than not I feel like I'm a completely different person. 
I feel so far disconnected from the classroom and I could not care less. 
I never expected to be a stay at home mom, much less enjoy it. 
For the first time in my life, I read for pleasure. 
I have a completely new group of friends that I socialize with.

The biggest, and most unexpected difference in my life is how much I love all four children. The days leading up to delivery with the trio are so vivid. All I thought was, "how can I ever love them as much as Jackson?" I loved each of the kids from the moment I saw them on the ultrasound screen. But now, I don't just love them as my children. I love them as individual people with different personalities and interests. 

My heart somehow grew to include immeasurable love for all four kids. I don't know how it happened, but it did. Every mother of more than one child told me I would be able to love them each with the same intensity. Thank God they were right!

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