Hormones-- Friday, April 15

Praise God for whoever invented the Snuggle Nest!  Seriously, it was our best night’s sleep yet.  Don’t get me wrong, I was still awake every two hours nursing, but I was really in and out of sleep the whole night rather than fully waking up Jackson and I to nurse.  All I had to do was lean over and slide him down beside me, whip out the boob, and fall back asleep.  Unfortunately I do leak all over the sheets, but I don’t know any other way around that.  I am used to putting my hands out to my side so I had my hand on the rail of his “bed” and at one point during the night I woke up and he had made a fist around my finger.  Melt my heart, I just love this kid!

We decided to use the huge pack of disposable newborn diapers we were given for the first week and then switch to cloth diapers.  We ran out last night, which worked out perfectly.  Day One of cloth diapering has been semi-successful.  Jesse and I didn’t take much care in following the directions to wash the diapers 4-6 times before use and we are paying for it now.  Jackson is soaking through these things every few hours, as well as his outfit.  Another diaper and wardrobe change later and all are happy.  My breastfeeding book says by one week old breastfed babies should have yellow, seedy stool.  Every time Jesse changes Jackson he yells out, “Good God son, why does your mommy keep feeding you mustard?”  I guess that’s a good sign that all is well with the feeding and his digestive tract.  Since his poop is far from solid, we are literally tossing the whole diaper in the diaper pail without rinsing it off first.  It’s not bad so far, but I’m not the one who changes him regularly.  It was agreed that since I am doing all of the feedings Jesse would take care of most of the diaper changes.  Plus, I am really uncomfortable dealing with the umbilical cord and checking the circumcised penis.  I would just suck it up if I had to but thankfully I have a husband who doesn’t mind that stuff.

It was a beautiful day and Jesse and I decided to take Jackson for a walk in his jogging stroller.  It took us a good 10 minutes before we could figure out how to actually put the car seat in the jogging stroller.  I pushed the stroller but it was so difficult to steer, especially around corners.  I wasn’t sure if I was just that weak and clumsy still and felt really out of control.  At one point I had steered Jackson up onto a neighbor’s yard where he was halfway on the grass and halfway on the sidewalk at an angle.  Jesse started yelling at me “Do you want to tip our child over?”  He was also upset that I was too rough and Jackson’s head was hunched over.  I told him that is what his head always looks like and I should be the one to know since I’ve sat beside him in the car twice now.   When we turned around I made Jesse take the stroller the rest of the way back.  He was struggling just as much as I was but I didn’t dare say anything.  He was also walking way faster and knew that I couldn’t keep up with him.  He just left me several paces behind.  Once we got back to the house I lost it.  I screamed, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that again!  I would never put our child in danger!” and just kept crying.  My blood was boiling.  I felt like he didn’t trust me with our own child.  This was the first time I have been genuinely upset with him in months.

Update: We hugged and talked.  I forget that I’m not the only one going through this drastic lifestyle makeover and fighting sleep deprivation.  And I should also note: We later discovered that we had the brake on the front wheel of the stroller the entire time…no wonder it was so hard to steer!

I have been all kinds of sentimental today reliving everything that happened last week.  I finally finished typing up my birth story and have been looking at the clock all day thinking, “last week at this time I was…”  I still keep staring at Jackson in total disbelief that he was inside me last week.  INSIDE me!  I am well aware of how pregnancy, labor, and delivery work, but it still blows my mind that we created this child from God’s grace and the right combination of cells.  He was curled up sleeping ever so peacefully and I just cried.  I can’t believe my baby is already a week old.  At the same time, I can’t believe how much my life has changed in a week.  No matter how many times I was told that a baby would change my life, it’s not something I could understand until it happened.   

Jan and Jeff came over in the late evening.  Jackson was so peaceful.  We had eaten dinner, turned the lights down, and were listening to music.  They took turns holding Jackson and Jesse and I snuggled together on the couch.  That is the most physical contact Jesse and I have had all week.  Once they left I held Jackson in my arms and Jesse wrapped his arms around me on the couch.  The moment was perfect and I hope I want to savor it forever.  It was the first time I felt completely relaxed and calm about us as a family.  There was no doubt in my mind that we will do everything we can to give our son a good life.  It’s been a whirlwind of a week but we are doing it.  It’s hard.  We’re tired.  Everything we once knew now revolves around Jackson.  And I wouldn’t want it any other way.  I LOVE this new family.  I don’t want to forget how perfect the three of us are together and how much love there is.  Thank you, God!    



The Traumatic Stroller Ride