Today was almost too much to handle. Once again, I don’t know how new mommies function…we just do!
The nurse made me drink a shot of milk of magnesia to help things move along with my digestion. I am really starting to feel backed up. She also gave me everything I needed to do a sitz bath when I get home and the peri-bottle for when I use the restroom due to my tear and swelling. I was so hoping I could avoid tearing…damn 14 inch head. Obviously it was worth it and a few months I won’t think twice about it, but today, I’m just uncomfortable.
Leaving the hospital was emotionally one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. We were supposed to be discharged at 11 a.m. but the pediatrician was behind in Jackson’s paperwork. I was really anxious to leave the hospital because I wanted to get home, see the cats, walk around, have natural sunlight, etc. I made Jesse bring most of the things down to the car and get the car seat. I was upset when the food and nutrition lady came by at 12 to get my lunch order. It wasn’t until 1:30 p.m. that all papers were finished. (Sidenote: Why do they need the mother’s level of education on the birth certificate?) But as soon as the nurse brought Jackson’s paperwork for me to sign I just sat there. I asked, “Now what?” and she said, “You go home”. It started as just a few tears and quickly transformed into all out hysteria. I just shook my head and sobbed. In the moment I just wanted to go home without Jackson and pretend like nothing happened. (I know, I know…Mother of the Year Award, please.) The anxiety of Jesse and I being solely responsible for raising a child was too overwhelming. I haven’t even been able to keep my son in my room during the past two nights. I haven’t changed a single diaper. The nurses have to wake me up in the middle of the night to give me ibuprofen, tell me to feed my child, and use the suction bulb to clear my child’s throat. How can I possibly take care of him 24/7?
Jesse made me stop for a minute and just hug him. He told me he was scared too but that we would be okay. Thank you voice of reason—too bad your wife is still an emotional wreck!
Though I was feeling pretty damn good, it never dawned on me that the most exercise I had over the past three days was giving birth and walking to the bathroom a few times. Let me just say, after walking down the hall, to the elevator, down a half flight of stairs, and to the other side of the parking deck—while carrying the diaper bag, pillows, and rolling luggage—just about did me in. They didn’t offer me a wheelchair but I wouldn’t have accepted one anyway. Thankfully I made Jesse carry Jackson in the car seat because I was so dizzy and ill by the time I got to the car I may or may not have dropped him. I sat in the back and held Jackson’s head in place. Even with the infant insert his little head was still wobbling all over the place. He spit up twice pretty badly and I was a nervous wreck.
Jesse still thinks he has the stomach virus, where as I fear I might never use the bathroom again. Fun times… Anyway, we stopped by the Harris Teeter by the house and I went in to get more prenatal vitamins, stool softener, and pepto. This was yet another frustrating reminder that I am simply not as physically strong as I thought I was. I guess giving birth is fairly traumatizing on the body.
It was around 3 p.m. by the time we got home. I was so excited to see the balloons, signs, and giant stork in our yard. My sister gets a bit carried away but I LOVED it! Our first concern was introducing the cats to Jackson. (Jesse’s parents had been checking in on the cats and feeding them while we were in the hospital.) Both cats ran up purring and were so excited to see us, until Jackson cried. Mr. Nibbles hissed and Cowbell ran away. They have more or less avoided him all day.
Warning: This could be too much information for some, but the topic had been a major concern for me so I’ll still share. Shortly after we got home the milk of magnesia kicked in. It didn’t hurt to use the restroom but I was so nervous because it felt like I was going to push another child out and of course I was worried about ripping my stitches. It still hurts to sit in general so I’ve been doing this whole side squat. I literally ripped the toilet paper holder off the wall (screws and all) and was in the bathroom for 15 minutes, but I feel so much better!
Jesse’s mother, Jan, came over for a few hours in the evening to help us settle in. Jesse went grocery shopping since we had no food or meals planned for the week. I fed Jackson while Jan swept the floors (so much cat hair) and cleaned up a bit. We unpacked and got things settled. Jan entertained Jackson while we heated up some leftover beef stew. Neither Jesse or I had much of an appetite, but we tried to eat.