I'd been debating what to buy using my birthday money. I knew I wanted to use it towards something related to helping me get back on track with a healthy lifestyle. I considered Weight Watchers but didn't want to make the ongoing financial commitment. I decided to buy a couple of sessions with a personal trainer. I had scheduled an appointment for this morning at the gym.
Today's appointment included a free "demo session", taking measurements, and setting goals. I felt like I was on the Biggest Loser. They measured my BMI and body fat percentage, along with my neck, arm, thigh, chest, waist, hip, and calf. Everything was in the "obese" category. They even gave me my internal age, which is 34. (I still have no clue what that means?) Then they created a virtual me and spun it around. I guess I really look like what the screen showed, but thankfully I don't view myself like that.
The 20 minute demo session kicked my ass. I felt nauseous, completely weak, and embarrassed. Among doing push ups, using a medicine ball, and working with some contraption that resembled a sex swing, I also had to use those giant, heavy ropes like the contestants on the Biggest Loser use. Most of the exercises and equipment were foreign to me, since I only use free weights or the isolated weight machines.
I knew I would have to endure a sales pitch from the manager after my workout. I was prepared to purchase a few sessions, but somehow ended up signing a 12 month contract. Apparently you can't purchase single sessions. I totally freaked out and kept saying, "But what if I can't afford it? Will I be able to cancel?" I was informed that you can cancel through a buyout plan where you still have to pay 25% of the remaining cost. The manager made me feel SO guilty and said "Why don't you just eat out less if you're worried about finances? Is your health a priority or not? Don't you want to be around to raise Jackson?" (He knew both of my parents were deceased from the family history paperwork and he knew my son's name.) The thought of not being a healthy role model for my son, or better yet, dying while he is in middle school, was simply too much. I didn't know how to say no at that point so I just started crying, which made me feel even more foolish.
As soon as I got home I walked upstairs and Jesse was excited to tell me that Jackson did well in the exersaucer for the first time and he rolled over on his own for the first time. I totally lost it. I was gone for two hours and missed major events in my child's development. How am I supposed to go to work in August???
So in two hours I managed to feel:
- unhealthy
- fat
- out of shape
- a bad mother
- emotionally unstable
- financially insecure
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Now that I've had time to calm down, I am excited about working out. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely hate personal trainers and I try to defuse the discomfort from my physical weakness with jokes and small talk. There's a good chance I'll end each session with a lower self esteem than when I begin. The trainer said I need to lose 57 lbs of fat. He made it clear that this is not 57 lbs on the scale because I need to gain muscle to replace the fat. He also explained that I've been able to gain and lose weight so much in the past because I can easily lose fat and lean muscle. Even when I trained for the half marathon I still didn't do any strength training. So I'm excited at the potential of getting stronger and healthier. (I could care less about sculpted abs and arms. I'm afraid those simply aren't in my genes.)
Even though I'm not sure how we're going to afford it, I appreciate the idea of someone calling to check on me and coming up with individualized workouts for 12 months. I have never maintained a healthy lifestyle for more than 9 months. If I get pregnant within the year, I still have additional support and staff that will adjust the workouts for me to continue making healthy choices. The trainer is also very knowledgeable about breastfeeding. He said that exercise shouldn't affect nursing as long as I don't drastically cut calories with food. I learned that high intensity workouts increase lactic acid, which can make your milk taste bitter. Also, the sweat on your chest makes your skin taste salty. For those reasons, babies might not like to nurse right after you workout.
Hopefully I will be able to stick with this for the long haul and make a real change. I want to be the best mother I can be, and that includes setting positive examples for my son. Maybe I'll learn how to turn to exercise when I am stressed rather than food.
All I can do is take it one day at a time-while trying not to feel like an obese, poor, lunatic who misses out on her son growing up...
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