I nurse, burp, and change Jackson throughout the night completely on my own now so Jesse can sleep. I do the laundry, cook dinner, and clean the dishes in between feeding and changing my son throughout the day. Jesse came home today and took a nap before eating dinner and heading off to choir practice. So...let's get this straight. He gets to sleep through the night, go to work like he always has, come home to a clean house, take a nap, and be woken up when dinner is ready. Then he gets to go to choir practice while I continue to watch our child and clean the dishes, and he then can go to bed when he comes home.
I love choir. I was the one who convinced Jesse to join the church choir with me last summer. The choir has become a second family to us both and I look forward to weekly rehearsals. Unfortunately, our church is very small and childcare is only provided on Sundays. Because Jesse is one of only two tenors, he is going. This Sunday the men of the church are singing for Mother's Day. The thought of him singing in the choir loft while I have Jackson at church by myself makes me cringe. I'm getting better, but I still feel like I'm being watched and if Jackson even thinks about crying then the whole church will think I am a bad mother. (Completely irrational, I know.) I definitely don't want to have to nurse sitting in the middle of the pew. The whole day is to celebrate mothers...but I'm still the one doing all the work!
I am not the least bit angry and I am very grateful of being able to provide for my family in this way. I guess this just isn't what I pictured motherhood to be like. I thought I would be baking cookies, going for jogs in the park with my child, going on play dates, and chatting it up with other mommies. Instead I am getting spit up on constantly, rocking and swaying a fussy baby, and feeding him nonstop. In my spare time I am attaching my breasts to tubes and suction cups, praying my baby doesn't cry while I take a shower, and researching why my child suddenly has green poo. I am so used to being independent and in control. It is so hard for my new life to revolve around a tiny person's schedule. Actually, he doesn't have a schedule, which makes me go more crazy.
Again, I sound like I'm depressed or bitter, and I am absolutely not. I LOVE cuddling with my baby, having his little fist grip my finger, watching his dramatic facial expressions, hearing his many different sounds, dressing him in adorable clothes...the list goes on and on. I wouldn't change my life right now and I am so genuinely happy to be able to care for my son. I am just amazed at where I got this image of motherhood from and how different it is from my reality. So much to learn still...
Random Photo of the Day: Finally content during bath time.